Film Festivals Don’t Exist
If I just said ‘Film Festivals Don’t Matter’ as the title, that wouldn’t be enough—that’s not provocative, not that I’m trying to be, just that plenty of other people have said film festivals don’t matter ad nauseam, including myself. The people who like film festivals, or at the very least respect them, are seemingly always going to—I don’t think I’ve ever changed a single mind in that regard. But maybe if I try to argue an impossible point to argue—that they do not exist—that might do the trick. So, here goes—I’m about to be a flat earther for film festivals, but here goes.
Let’s start with major film festivals—Cannes, Sundance, Tribeca, SXSW, and the like. Those obviously exist, right? They’re covered by the press, all sorts of noteworthy people attend them, blah blah blah, proof proof proof. No, they do not exist. Not in any real sense. You could argue they are in fact festivals, and I’d allow that, but they are not f’ilm festivals’ any more than Comic Con is a ‘comics convention’. I’m drifting back towards well-covered territory here, but let’s be honest—you don’t hear it as much about film festivals as you do about comic conventions. The latter has been more blatantly usurped—the former more subtly so. A comic con is like a bank that robbers have taken over as their hideout, spray painting the walls and running their operation from. A film festival—one of the majors, at least—is like if bank robbers stole the tellers’ outfits and ran the bank, with the real tellers killed or tied up in back. None of that makes sense, but I swear it does. It’s one of the best analogies I’ve ever made, and I refuse to explain it further—I am content with the silent nods of those that just get it.
Minor film festivals, of which there are many thousands across the world, definitely do not exist. You’ve never been to one, and you don’t know anyone who has either. Your film being in one doesn’t count—you’re unwitting cover for the scam. I’m talking about actual civilians, unaffiliated with these festivals, going to them and enjoying themselves. It doesn’t happen. Even if it does happen, it happens on accident. These events do not matter, due to the fact that any human being in existence, filmmaker or not, can four-wall plenty of theaters across the country and do the exact same thing as these festivals do. There is no difference between me renting a theater for a night and screening what I want for people that know me, and one of these festivals doing the same, but dressing it up as ‘a thing’. If people can say ‘my kid could paint that’ about art, I can say ‘I could throw that’ about these puny festivals. They are parties that they have tricked rejected filmmakers into pay for—nothing more. Someone put their all into making some piece of shit, or even something good, and that bought some freeloading strangers a couple cases of beer. Ridiculous.
Next we come to the third and final category—film festivals that literally, undeniably don’t exist, and don’t even pretend to. There are tons of these, and they’re great for cheap and easy laurels for your projects. These are commonly called ‘film awards’ or ‘online festivals’ or whatever, and the wink-wink is always the same—you submit your film, pay X amount, and congratulations! You’re a winner—or at the very least, you’re a ‘nominee’, which virtually everyone is. No event has taken place. No decisions have been truly made. You’ve heard of ‘email jobs’? Well this is an email festival. A filmmaker can rack up hundreds of awards from these festivals if they have the time, energy, and spending money. You ‘win’ at one, or even just submit, and lo and behold, you receive a discount code to submit to a couple others. Rinse, repeat. It’s not uncommon for the same people to run dozens of these things. I’d call it a scam, but filmmakers know what’s happening. It’s collusion, more than anything else—but aren’t all film festivals that?
The purpose of film festivals, all of them, is to make the festival look good. The better the festival looks, the more it means when they bestow honors upon some film or filmmaker or actor or whatever. The more grateful, or famous, the person being honored, the better that in turn is for the festival—it’s a back scratching exchange. It works even one-way—it’s not uncommon for tiny festivals to give lifetime achievement awards to actors who will never, and would never, show up to receive it—but it’s a legal way to use their name in their advertising. I could go on all day, but I think I’ve made my point—nowhere are any of these festivals what a film festival is supposed to be: a showcase of films, often representing certain categories. Yes, that goes on there—but that goes on in every movie theater across America. That’s what a movie theater is. It also used to happen in video stores, when those existed. It also happens on streaming sites. It also happens on YouTube. It happens everywhere—everything is a film festival, and so nothing is. Which makes it no wonder why film festivals, at all levels, have been so corrupted—they cannot and should not exist, as their alleged role is already, and has always, been filled. They are in an unending search for meaning, as they have none inherent to themselves—and so they became any number of other things besides, including a swag dispensary. It’s sad really—all things that don’t exist are, like ghosts. A film festival is more a sad ghost than it is a film festival, by a wide margin. The thing is though, ghosts at least maybe exist—film festivals do not exist.
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