Toast Battle: Kill Them With Kindness
A couple days ago was my good friend Taylor Drew’s birthday. She’s a wonderful standup comedian here in New York City, and she asked me to roast her for her birthday show, where a bunch of her standup comedian friends, including myself, would be roasting her. I did so, and it was great. But, she was also hosting her weekly open mic (The Taylor Drew Review) a few hours before that, so I decided to go to that as well, and unbeknownst to her, do the opposite of a roast of her during that five-minute set of mine: a ‘toast’, if you will. Extremely praiseful jokes about her, to balance out the extremely insulting jokes I’d be doing about her later that night.
The toast went over great (she was dying laughing) and in writing the jokes for it I feel like I may have stumbled upon an alternate version of a Roast Battle that could be done, where instead of competitors trying to insult each other in the funniest ways, they’re trying to praise each other in the funniest ways. Not because roasting is wrong (it’s not, its great) but because lavish praise can be just as much a mix of both funny and uncomfortable—and can be just as raunchy, and ‘wrong’.
I decided to do some research and see if anyone else had ever done ‘toast battles’, and it seems like there have been some attempts, but they’re not really coming at it in the way that I did. I feel like I’ve stumbled upon a certain secret sauce that, if harnessed, this could actually grow into something from. Anyway, in the interest of furthering the mode of expression, below are my toast jokes about Taylor Drew:
First off, I just want to make sure, does everyone here know what a handjob is?
Do you wanna know what a Taylor Drew handjob is?
That’s when you shake hands with Taylor Drew and you immediately cum in your pants. Happens all the time, every guy here can attest to that.
What’s the weirdest part about watching Taylor Drew do standup?
Feeling your body both laugh and cum at the same time.
How many Taylor Drew’s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
She doesn’t have to screw in a lightbulb—if Taylor wants to light up a room, all she has to do is smile.
What’s the worst part about Taylor Drew’s Only Fans?
That nothing else in life compares to seeing her naked.
You know, I subscribed to Taylor’s Only Fans, and it was great for a while, but then I noticed the images starting to come up a bit cloudy. I called customer support, and I finally realized that the problem was that my laptop screen was completely caked with cum! Couldn’t see a damn thing past my own jizz.
How did I almost get my dick chopped off?
I was working at a deli, and one of my coworkers put a picture of Taylor Drew on the meat slicing machine. Almost put my dick in. Almost.
Taylor’s dog is deaf. What’s the saddest part about Taylor’s dog being deaf?
The fact that it can’t hear Taylor’s beautiful voice.
What do you call a blowjob from Taylor Drew?
Direct contact with God.
You know, before I became a comic, I was in school to be an astronomer. I was gonna study planets. But then I took one look at Taylor’s breasts, and I realized that the big, beautiful, round, majestic objects up there just don’t compare to the ones right here on her chest.
Whats the warmest and most pleasurable place to be inside? Can anyone guess?
Taylor Drew’s heart!
What’s harder than Tayor Drew’s nipples?
Trying not to look at them.
Taylor Drew has the best open mic in the city, am I right? You wanna know why Taylor’s open mic is so great?
It’s so great because, even if you bomb really hard, and you just want to kill yourself afterward, one look at her and you remember that there is beauty in this world, and that life is worth living.